You’ve been through the pain and chaos of divorce—but you’re out on the other side. The dust is starting to settle. You feel like you have your life back and hope. You feel more like yourself again.
You’re ready for new love. Maybe you’ve already found it, another chance at happiness—and you’re talking about marriage. Despite your first experience, you may feel ready to jump in and say, “I do.” Or maybe you are hesitant about tying the knot a second time.
It’s all completely understandable.
While it may seem like nothing could go worse than your first marriage, subsequent marriages present unique challenges. The statistics can seem a bit disheartening:
You’re probably familiar with the commonly quoted figure that 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce. But that doesn’t tell the whole story. Around 40% of first marriages don’t work out (certainly not insignificant), but studies show that second marriages fail at a rate of 60-67%, and third marriages a startling 73%.
Yet those odds don’t stop people from remarrying: 40% of all U.S. marriages are remarriages for at least one spouse, while 20% of weddings are the second time around for both partners. The average age of remarriage is 43 for men and 40 for women. Men are more likely to remarry than women; since 1990, the remarriage rate among divorced women has fallen from 54% to 38%.
You don’t have to feel discouraged by the numbers. Although it’s essential to be aware of potential pitfalls and recognize red flags, experts say proper preparation can help you have a successful second marriage.
Here are 5 of the most common challenges people face in remarriage – and tips for working through them.
Finances. New partners often bring complex financial situations to a second marriage. As a couple, it’s important to have frank discussions about money, expectations, and financial planning about:
- Existing spousal/child support arrangements
- Complicated asset division from the prior marriage
- Some post-divorce instability
Family dynamics. When one or both partners have been married before, it’s almost unavoidable that other people are involved (deeply or peripherally) in your new relationship—your respective exes and co-parents, kids from previous marriages, and several sets of grandparents. (Only about 6% of divorced couples remarry each other). Blended families can be happy, successful, satisfying, and full of love—but they aren’t easy. Be prepared for friction, feelings, and divided loyalties. Talk with your partner about expectations, parenting styles, discipline, and how you’ll handle conflict and difficult emotions. Communicate openly about the step-parent role and relationship. Be patient, respectful, flexible, and willing to be vulnerable.
Fast moves. Maybe you fell in love before your divorce was final or soon after. It’s natural to want to move on, start over, find love again, and build a life together. Still, it’s also possible to rush into a second marriage—before you’ve healed, before you know the other person, before you’ve sorted through issues and logistics, or to marry for the wrong reasons.
Fantasy. Your first marriage fell apart and broke your heart—no wonder you hope everything will be perfect this time. Nonetheless, be realistic about the challenges you’ll face as a couple. Create reasonable expectations for how you’ll merge your lives. Communicate openly and honestly about it all ahead of time. Know there will be bumps in the road and issues to resolve; don’t run away from conflict or let resentments build.
Freight. Everyone has baggage—experiences, attitudes, beliefs, upbringing, dashed dreams, and old hurts. We inevitably bring our lives, feelings, and quirks to a marriage. But if you haven’t done the personal work of processing your first marriage and divorce—healing, owning your part in what went wrong—those ghosts can haunt your second marriage: unhealthy patterns, trust issues, lack of conflict resolution skills, and so on.
Of course, there may be other, less concrete factors too. Some experts theorize that second marriages end more often because having been divorced before and survived it, the partners are less intimidated by the idea of leaving—less likely to stay out of fear of the dissolution process, being alone, rebuilding financially, and so forth. Many women, for example, are more financially independent than in past decades. Additionally, since couples sometimes “stay together for the kids,” not having shared children in a second marriage can feel like a disincentive to work it out when things get tough.
But remember that there are also strengths in remarriage! You have experience and wisdom based on what didn’t work before; you’ve grown as a person and partner and know what you don’t want. It’s wise to seek counseling—individually and as a couple—as you build a new life and family together.
If you decide your second marriage isn’t salvageable, the caring and experienced family lawyers at SFLG can help you navigate your dissolution.
By Debra Schoenberg
