Many Americans feel like we live in a political pressure cooker with only four months until the next presidential election. For many people, this election cycle feels both globally consequential and deeply personal—existential, even. We have passionate views and fears that keep us up at night.
In recent years, numerous forces, including social media, have pulled us further apart, entrenched us more deeply in our parties and positions, widened the divide between camps, and “othered” the other. The discourse—such as it is—is tense and polarized.
For better and worse, we’re circling the wagons, locking arms with like-minded people. We’re reckoning with painful differences, sometimes learning things we’d rather not know about the opinions of friends and loved ones—sometimes even our spouses. Recent studies by political scientists have found that about a third of U.S. marriages involve partners with differing political views.
Further, in a 2017 Wakefield Research study, 29 percent of Americans said the political climate had caused conflict with their partner; 11% (22% of Millennials) said they’d ended relationships over political friction; even more (22% overall, 35% of Millennials) know someone whose relationship or marriage has been negatively impacted by political differences (specifically over Trump).
In addition, marriage rates are falling. The Washington Post editorial board recently expressed concern that a growing political divide along gender lines — young American women tend to be moving left as young men move right — is causing a breakdown in the institution itself; people are becoming less likely to walk down the aisle with someone across the political aisle.
A survey conducted by the American Enterprise Institute revealed that roughly two-thirds of both liberal and conservative singles would probably pass on a potential love match who didn’t share their political views.
Whether you’ve known your partner’s opposing political position from the start, have just discovered differences, or are evolving in opposite directions—in this heightened environment, ideological differences can cause shock, dismay, and distrust. Political conflict can erode emotional intimacy, make you feel like you don’t really know your partner anymore, and cause you to wonder if you can last as a couple.
It’s not just about who you’ll each vote for — it affects what news shows you’ll watch at home, what personalities and pundits you’ll follow, what social company you’ll keep, what activities or religious community you’ll participate in, how you’ll teach and guide your kids.
It’s the elephant (or donkey) in the room—can your marriage survive a political divide?
Nine tips for navigating political conflict in your marriage:
Discuss issues with respect. Take turns talking. Listen—don’t wait for the opportunity to get your point across. Don’t interrupt or speak (yell) over one another. Pause before you fire off a remark. Avoid name-calling, accusations, criticisms, and defensiveness. When it’s your turn to speak, lead with something like, I hear you. I have a different take on this issue. Here’s where I’m coming from…, advises marriage.com.
Get to know your partner better through conflict. Approach your differences with curiosity, compassion, and openness. Don’t be in it to win it or even to change your partner’s mind (unlikely)—try to understand their point of view. What can you learn about your spouse from the issues they care about? Investigate what attitudes and experiences from your backgrounds have brought you to your current position.
Stay open. Be honest, straightforward, and vulnerable with one another. No matter how right you feel and believe you are, recognize that no one has all the answers; many issues are not black and white. Consider what you can learn from a different perspective.
Seek common ground. It’s hard to remember, but not that long ago, our political system operated on the assumption that Democrats and Republicans shared more in common than not — including some essential principles, values, and objectives, as well as the belief that they could communicate, collaborate, compromise, and negotiate to solve problems. Could that be true in your relationship? What can you agree on? What fundamental values do you share? What are your dreams, needs, and desires as a couple/family? Are there areas where you can agree to disagree and move on?
Know when it’s time to take a breather. Don’t allow discussions to escalate into fights. When the emotional temperature rises, step back before you say something hurtful or irretrievable.
Focus on the big (relationship) picture. In the current climate, political opinions can feel all-consuming, non-negotiable, and central to personal identity. But chances are, you married this person for more than their party affiliation—and you meant it to last longer than a fraught election cycle. When you’re at odds, ask yourself, what do I love, value, and respect about this person? Is there something more significant to us than politics?
Set boundaries. While you don’t want to invite stalemates and secrecy into your relationship, it’s also not helpful to keep poking the bear. Sometimes, you must stop rehashing the same hot-button topics and see if that helps restore peace.
Get professional help. If you’ve reached an impasse but want to save the relationship, try couples therapy.
Consider whether you’re a good match. There’s a difference between disagreement and disrespect. Trust and goodwill are vital to a marriage; contempt undermines a healthy relationship. If your ideological disputes are so bitter and irreconcilable that you no longer feel you can be yourself within the union, you may have some difficult decisions to make.
If you’ve realized the marriage is not salvageable and it’s time to move on, speak to the caring and experienced family attorneys at SFLG.
By Debra Schoenberg
